Can your spouse be your best friend too?
Karen O'Connor
My husband gently stroked my
hair as we cuddled in bed one chilly morning. "It's not blond," he
murmured, "and it doesn't spill over the pillow. For so many years I
thought that's what I wanted."
I pinched his "love handles" in retaliation! "And
you're not the tall, muscular hunk I've always dreamed about."
"Sure am." I reflected for a moment on the state we had
been in when we met. We each had an image of what we were looking for in a
prospective mate, especially since this was the second time around for both of
us. Neither of us fit the other's picture. Yet the attraction was there. From
the moment we met at a dinner party in Los Angeles, I knew I wanted to get to know
this gentle man with the large blue eyes—a man who listened, talked, and
laughed. I felt safe with him. He seemed like a person I could trust—a man who
could be a friend. And it was nice to find out he wanted to learn more
about me.
We didn't fall in love right away. We were friends first—good
companions. We shared music and books, spent time with our children, attended
church together on Sundays, and discovered each other's likes and dislikes.
We also disagreed and argued. We still do sometimes. I'm spontaneous.
Charles is methodical. I see the glass half full and he sees it half empty. He
likes to think things through. I feel my way into a decision. But despite our
differences we've remained friends. And today after nearly 30 years of
marriage, it's friendship and our shared faith in Christ that hold us together.
Friendship, as I see it, is something to look for at the start of
a relationship and to commit to for the long haul. Love is essential, and
attraction and passion are important too, but being friends will keep a
relationship warm and safe and loving long after physical passion subsides.
"Easy for you to say," my friend Lena once told me with
a playful huff. "Dick and I fell in love and we married—just like that.
When I hear other women talking about their husbands being their best friends,
I'm jealous. I wish I could say that about Dick, but I can't. What can I do
now? I doubt I'm alone in this."
Can You Become Friends After You Marry?
According to women I spoke with, yes you can—over time and with
persistence. I asked three older friends to share what they discovered about
friendship and love during the course of their 50-plus years of marriage. Here
are their responses, based on the definition of the word friend that I
found in the Free Online Dictionary: "A person whom one knows, likes, and
trusts.
Corinne claims her friendship with her husband, Ed, came about as
they created a family together, nursed one another through hurts and illness,
shared good times while travelling during their retirement years, and made
decisions and choices with the other person in mind—and most important, while
walking together with Christ.
Joan, who admitted she was a perfectionist at first, learned to
adapt and to be open-minded—to laugh at mistakes and smile at
misunderstandings, especially when neither she nor her husband Lenard meant to
hurt each other. "I was married young, and that actually helped us,"
she said, "because I was not yet set in my ways. My husband and I could
grow in our love and become friends at the same time."
Barbara Jean credited her long marriage and friendship with her
husband, Vic, with giving up the right to be right. "I now see that most
marital problems have very little to do with one's spouse. We get upset because
we think our way of doing things is the right way or the only way. But
it's not. The other person has his or her way and it's as valid as ours."
Best friends look out for each other. "When I viewed Vic in a new way, I
saw what a precious person he is—and a good friend, too."
When I put their experiences together and consider mine of nearly
30 years, I come up with four characteristics that speak of friendship, as well
as love, in a marriage.
Comfort
Sometimes just a touch or a word of encouragement can make a
difference. Charles often comforts me with words. "I love our life
together." "I'm so grateful for you." "I admire your
courage." Comfort can also be expressed without words. Touch is one of the
most powerful means of reaching another person. I like words. Charles prefers
touch. By learning what each other needs, you can comfort one another in a way
that works.
Compassion
Couples learn compassion the way one learns to play the piano or
football—by practicing it. And it takes practice. I don't always feel like
hearing my husband's feelings. I'm not often in the mood to listen to his hurts
and frustrations. And he must surely tire of my need to process every
experience and emotion. But we're in this for the duration. I'm discovering
that being more sensitive than assertive, more spiritual than custodial, and
more nurturing than managing is the path to a true friendship.
Connection
You can make deliberate choices to nurture your connection. Eat
together—just the two of you at times, so you can talk and listen and catch up
on the day. If you like to work out at the gym, run on the beach, or play a
round of golf, plan some of those times together. We enjoy the theater, the
symphony, museums, and British mysteries on television.
Praying with one another—for even a few minutes each day—is
another hallmark of friendship with the person you love and trust.
Consistency
We're still working on this. Maybe you are too. To me being
consistent means practicing mutual respect even when we have hard things to
talk about. We want to live out our spiritual values in daily life, not just
talk about them. It means keeping our home in order and ourselves attractive to
one another. The challenge is to be consistent without being controlling.
Consistency also includes letting yourself be known as someone the other person
can turn to with confidence. Even though we make mistakes, we want to be quick
to make amends as well.
Friendship is a relationship two individuals enter willingly. I
like this question I found in the Bible: "Do two people walk hand in hand
if they aren't going to the same place?" (Amos 3:3, MSG). Such a
friendship will be only as good or as close as people choose to make it. A
friend is someone you can confide in with complete trust, one whom you respect
and who respects you, not because you deserve it but because you agreed to be
friends—now and over the long haul.
More than Romance
Reviewed by Awareness
on
Thursday, August 04, 2016
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