5 steps toward healing and restoration
Dr. Juli Slattery
I
have both the privilege and heartache of hearing from women in extremely
difficult marriages. One has a husband with a sexual addiction. Another’s
husband regularly comes home after midnight, refusing to share where he has
been. Many marriage problems can be solved through counseling and
communication. However, some issues, such as abuse, addiction, or a spouse who
won’t work through serious conflicts, call for drastic intervention.
However, I don’t recommend that women
stay stuck in a relationship that is abusive, destructive, or riddled with betrayal;
hence, the option of separation. Fortunately, most states now allow for legal
separation, which addresses sensitive areas like money, safety, and child
custody.
I find that many couples are unwilling
to consider separation because they don’t understand the purpose for it. Is it
just a way for Christians to avoid the stigma and trauma of divorce? Or is it
simply a stepping-stone toward an inevitable divorce?
While some couples separate with every
intention of divorcing, a therapeutic separation based upon biblical principles
is an entirely different proposition. In a therapeutic separation, entered into
with the help of wise counsel, the couple hopes for a restoration of the
marriage rather than dissolution.
If you are separated or are
contemplating separation, consider these five hallmarks of therapeutic
separation to help you approach your decision in a healthy and God-honoring
way.
1. Healthy Separation Creates a Crisis Rather than Avoiding Conflict
A primary purpose of a therapeutic
separation is to create a crisis. In essence, it is saying, We can’t
continue to function the way we are. Our marriage is not okay, and it’s time
for us to acknowledge that.
Some couples live together for decades
while ignoring serious issues like addiction or abuse, giving the outward
appearance that everything is normal. The crisis of separation makes a strong
statement both to the couple and their community that “we need help.”
The Bible tells us what to do when
there is sin in a relationship (see Matthew
18:15–17). First, we are to confront the person. If they don’t listen, we
should bring in a third party. If they still don’t listen, we ought to ask for
help from a church authority. If this doesn’t bring about change, we are to
separate from them. While we rarely apply this principle to marriage, I believe
it is a good blueprint for how to address serious marital issues and helps us
understand separation as a biblical last resort for a troubled marriage.
2. Healthy Separation Maps a Clear Road Forward Rather than Promoting Helplessness
Separation can often feel like a land
of limbo. You don’t feel married or divorced but somewhere in the middle. The
state of separation will continue to be that way unless there is a clear road
forward.
With a counselor, you need to identify
the specific problems that led to the separation. This shouldn’t be a laundry
list of minor grievances; the focus should be on the big issues that must be
addressed. Along with that, you should create specific and clear steps that must
be taken if there is to be reconciliation. Consider these examples:
Issue: My spouse is
controlling with our money.
Action Step: We meet
with a financial counselor and agree on a plan for both to have fair access to
our finances.
Issue: My spouse has
had inappropriate relationships with others and won’t be accountable for it.
Trust is broken.
Action Step: We meet
with a counselor, and my partner must be honest with me about the other
relationships, absolutely committed to our marriage, understand the breach of
trust, and be willing to be accountable so that I can trust again.
Separations often fail because there
is no clear definition of what needs to happen to bring about a healthy
reconciliation. Mapping out the issues and action steps provides clarity and
hope, and it gives God the room to bring restoration and healing.
3. Healthy Separation Lets a Hard Heart Walk Away Rather than Enabling Sin
You can pray, fast, and do everything
right but still have a spouse who refuses to address his or her damaging contributions
to your marriage. Once you have communicated your willingness to work on the
marriage and presented clear changes that must occur, you then wait for your
spouse to respond. That response isn’t up to you. You can’t control whether
your partner is stubborn or broken, willing to fight for the marriage or
already moving on to the next one.
Scripture tells us to live at peace
with everyone, as far as it depends upon us. There are times when one person
clearly has no intention of staying married or taking responsibility for the
damage caused. In cases like these, you have to let them go.
4. Healthy Separation Works Toward a Renewed Marriage Rather than Reinforcing Old Patterns
I recently met with a woman who was in
the throes of separation. While she grieved the loss of her family, she was
also terrified that God would ask her to go back into an abusive marriage.
I responded to her concern this way:
“If God asks you to go back to the marriage, it would be a new marriage,
not the same one you just left. Your husband must be willing to admit to and
address his out-of-control anger and the ways he has been hurting you and your
children.”
Real, proven change is
essential in situations like this one. I described what the new marriage would
need to look like, saying, “In order for him to be back at home, he needs to be
repentant and have taken the necessary steps, like counseling, to ensure that
those destructive patterns have clearly been broken. Even then, your
relationship would need accountability over time in order to rebuild the trust
that has been shattered.”
Giving the Lord room to work means
asking him to bring healing and restoration, not just waiting for time to pass.
God can also use this time to teach you things and show how you may have
contributed to an unhealthy pattern in your marriage.
5. Healthy Separation Is Done in Community Rather than Isolation
One of the biggest differences between
separations that lead to divorce and those that lead to restoration is the
presence and health of the community surrounding the marriage. The community
may be family, church, or good friends, and their support, prayer, and willingness
to speak truth are essential for restoring the marriage.
Communities tend to support only one
person in the marriage rather than supporting the marriage itself. It’s human
nature to want to take sides with the one we know the best or think has been wronged.
But the Christian community’s job is not only to support the people in the
marriage but also to support the marriage itself.
Good friends, mentors, and family
members can be a bridge between the two people, working and praying for their
reconciliation. Because they know the history of the relationship and have some
part in each person’s life, community members can speak hard truths when
needed.
Following the route of a biblical
separation will not save every broken marriage, but it certainly will save
some.
How a Therapeutic Separation Could Save Your Marriage
Reviewed by Awareness
on
Thursday, August 04, 2016
Rating:
No comments: