Ginger Taddeo
My weight has been an issue
since I had my children some 20-plus years ago. I never lost my pregnancy
weight—instead I have added extra pounds to it. Because I grew up in a
physically and emotionally abusive home where a thin body was idealized (along
with many other issues), I have struggled with lots of self-loathing concerning
my body.
Because of my own contempt toward my body, I have physically
hidden from my husband, Vince, for at least 20 years. I have not allowed my
husband to see me naked because of the shame I’ve been carrying around. I have
always made sure that I was covered while making love. I would dry off in the
shower, grab my bathrobe, and put it on behind the shower curtain so he wouldn't
see me naked. I spent so much effort trying to keep safe and protect myself
from his eyes. I truly believed that if he saw me naked he would reject me and
want nothing more to do with me. Many times, I said no to intimacy with him
because I didn't want him to touch my body. I really never took into
consideration how all of this was affecting him.
Did I ever ask Vince how he felt? No. I didn’t give him a chance
to tell me that he loved me despite what I looked like. When Vince did offer
compliments, I would push them away and respond with something sarcastic. My
belief system about myself seemed more true and became more important than what
he tried to offer me. I was putting my comfort above our relationship.
I know he wishes I would lose weight, but I have to believe him
when he says he loves me for me and not what my body looks like. How
well am I loving my husband if I don't allow what he says to impact me? My
protective strategies are pushing my husband away. I now know they are hurting
my relationship with him. If I want to grow, I have to put down the protective
wall, or bathrobe, and be vulnerable and trust Vince to love me like he says he
does.
Very recently, I finally allowed myself to be vulnerable with my
husband and let him get a quick peek. He didn't reject me! He let me know how
much he loved me, and you know what? Something huge changed in me. I realized
how much I had been cheating him all these years. The lies that I held so close
to my heart had been dividing us and causing me to cheat my husband and me from
a more intimate relationship.
It is so wonderful now to be naked in bed with Vince during our
intimate times. I still do not prance around naked in front of him, but I don't
work as hard at hiding. His body is a gift to me, and my body is a gift to him.
His gift to me is just more neatly packaged—mine has many more lumps.
And now God is smiling over both of us, rejoicing in the fact
that his truth has set me free.
Too large to love!
Reviewed by Awareness
on
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Rating:
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