The Challenging Journey for Step-families by How to avoid divorce as you learn to blend your family Ron L. Deal and David H. Olson
Happily ever after. It doesn't sound like too much
to ask for. But there is a significant gap between those who seek and those who
find. A quick look at marriage in America reveals that nearly half of
all
marriages don't survive, let alone become safe, supportive, and loving
relationships. An additional 25 percent of all marriages that don't end in
divorce are dissatisfying—unhappily ever after. Certainly these couples didn't
marry with the expectation of divorce or distress. So what went wrong? And more
to the point, what will keep you and your spouse from crashing and burning
beside them?
In general, remarriages (where one or both partners
have been married before) with or without children have a 60 percent or greater
chance of divorce. Specifically, second marriages have a 60 percent divorce
rate and third marriages a 73 percent chance of divorce (U.S. Census Bureau).
Remarried couples who bring children to the wedding have an even greater risk
of divorce; to be specific, they have a 50 percent greater chance of divorce
than remarried couples without children (E. M. Hetherington and J. Kelly, For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered).
As it turns out, happily ever after is tougher to achieve in remarriage, even
more difficult when one of you brings children to the marriage, and especially
challenging when you both do. That's why we conducted this specific study on
remarriage and why we wrote this book—to help you beat the odds and break the
cycle of divorce for you and your children. Before you get too discouraged,
know that the qualities of successful remarried and stepfamily couples are
identifiable—and you can learn them and use them in your marriage.
Every journey will have a few surprises along the
way. If you've ever experienced an airline delay or cancellation, you know
exactly what we mean. If bad weather rolls in or your plane is missing a
wind-shield wiper, you're stuck in Timbuktu for the night. But the difference
between people who become overly stressed by unforeseen circumstances and those
who thrive in them is the ability to adapt. Such persons are able to discern
what they cannot change from what they can control and then make the
appropriate adjustments. Others, however, get plowed over by the out-of-control
circumstances and fall apart. No doubt you've seen people scream at an airline
ticket agent because their flight had been cancelled due to inclement weather.
The agent couldn't be held responsible, but he or she nevertheless ended up the
target of someone's frustration.
Similarly, the remarriage journey has plenty of
surprises along the way. Indeed, if all of your marital and stepfamily
expectations came about just as you dreamed, there wouldn't be any
"delays" or "cancellations." Your marriage and family would
come together just fine, and without much work on your part. But the reality of
remarriage is that life in a stepfamily is much more difficult than most
couples anticipate. The unique challenges of being a step-couple work against
marital success, and only those who intentionally work to overcome them find
the rewards they dreamed of before walking down the aisle.
Step-couples: Remarried With
Children
Step-couple is the word we use to describe a couple whose
marriage was preceded by the birth of at least one child to at least one of the
partners (in a previous relationship). The term step-couple also
accurately communicates our conviction that marriage in a stepfamily cannot be
enhanced without consideration of the entire stepfamily system. One cannot
compartmentalize the couple's relationship as if it exists in a vacuum. In
other words, the health of the couple's relationship is interdependent with the
health of the stepfamily. Each greatly impacts the other.
Tim, a stepfather of three, said, "The only
problem is that I discovered this truth too late. We have been having problems
for some time now, mostly about her kids." Tim felt that the conflicts
between him and his wife over one particular child led to a divorce that he
couldn't prevent. "I guess I got whooped by a nine-year-old," he
said. Children—and the other unique aspects of stepfamily life—have everything
to do with the success of your marriage.
The average stepfamily has many people in the
extended family system, and each person is required to manage a multitude of
relationships. Because of this, Drs. John and Emily Visher, founders of the
Stepfamily Association of America, joked for many years that stepfamilies don't
have a family tree—they have a family forest! Step-couples can easily get lost
in the stepfamily forest. Before marriage, pre-stepfamily couples are often
very intentional about their relationship and may spend a great deal of time
together without the children. But once the wedding takes place and real life
sets in, many step-couples get lost in a sea of activities, child-rearing
responsibilities, divided loyalties, and relational concerns.
Our study validated what we have
believed for some time. A couple's previous marriages (or relationships) and
the presence of stepchildren have a significant impact on the long-term
viability of the re-marriage, but the full weight of this impact doesn't show
up until after the wedding. Before the wedding, matters related to ex-spouses
and step-parenting had limited impact on the couple's level of satisfaction
with each other. However, after the wedding, stepfamily issues rose
significantly in their impact on couple satisfaction. This finding is very
important because it points out how marriage in a stepfamily is different.
In a first marriage, the couple's
relationship forms the basis for family stability; it becomes the foundation of
the home. Furthermore, the health of the marriage supports and facilitates the
parent-child relationships that follow. However, in stepfamilies, the
complexities of stepfamily living dramatically impact the couple just as the
couple impacts how stepfamily matters are handled. For example, the
stepparent-stepchild relationship(s) can determine the success of the couple;
so can how a former spouse (and even their new spouse) interacts with the new
family or how children adjust to their parent's remarriage. All of these
dynamics greatly influence the step-couple's stability and overall happiness.
In short, remarriage is not just about the couple; it is also about their past
and their children's present. These stepfamily factors create stress in the
home, which in turn "thickens the blood" of biological family
members. Ultimately, this creates distress and distance in a couple's
relationship.
Working Smarter as a Couple
In the book The
Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, Ron points out that
most step-couples work hard at bringing together the members of their home.
However, due to misguided assumptions about how to best make this happen, most
step-couples find themselves working hard, harder, and harder at bringing their
family together, but often inadvertently in the wrong manner. The trick to
building a successful stepfamily is not working harder, it's working smarter!
"It shouldn't have to be this
much work," said Frank. "If your kids and I can't get along
naturally, then maybe we shouldn't have gotten together in the first
place." What this well-intentioned stepfather didn't realize is that
integrating a stepfamily is indeed hard work. To expect otherwise is
unrealistic. In fact, what is "natural" in a stepfamily is for new relationships
to be undefined and strained from time to time. Frank's expectation for quick
family harmony led him to make pressuring remarks to his wife like the one
quoted above. Instead of pressuring expectations, he and she would be much
better off learning smarter ways of building harmony.
"So Where's the Honeymoon?"
When presenting seminars for couples
in stepfamilies, Ron often jokes with his audience that for step-couples, the
honeymoon comes at the end of the journey, not at the beginning. The fantasy of
marital peace and harmony that leads couples to the altar usually doesn't
become reality for seven or more years for most step-couples (Patricia
Paternow, Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in
Remarried Families). (Some lucky couples with small
children may discover the honeymoon within a few years.) Until then, it is hard
work and determination—one step at a time—that finally pays off in a
"honeymoon" experience. One stepmom, Mary, tells of her introduction
to stepfamily reality. An accomplished child-and-adolescent therapist, this
intelligent woman was certain that becoming a step-mother of four teenage sons
was within her abilities. After all, she specialized in connecting with kids
and understood their common teenage struggles and immature behaviour. But she
wasn't prepared for her own emotional reactions to these behaviours when they
became a part of her life. After a wonderful wedding and weeklong honeymoon
with her husband in Hawaii, Mary returned home to discover all four boys
rollerblading inside the house on her hardwood floors. Welcome home and welcome
to real life! As you can tell, they had a few things to work through before the
family could experience a true honeymoon.
Press On!
While on a recent flight to Chicago,
the pilot of my (Ron's) airplane came on the loudspeaker to caution the
passengers: "As you can tell, we're experiencing some turbulence," he
said. "We've turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign for your protection, and
we want you to know that if you get out of your seat and break your arm, it's
on your nickel." While the passengers didn't appreciate his tone, we did
value the caution. Anyone trying to build a marriage in a stepfamily should
heed these words of caution: "Buckle your seat belts and remain seated.
The ride ahead may be bumpy for a while, but it will smooth out as you go.
Press on, and don't jump out of the plane!"
"So Where's the Honeymoon?"
When presenting seminars for couples
in stepfamilies, Ron often jokes with his audience that for step-couples, the
honeymoon comes at the end of the journey, not at the beginning. The fantasy of
marital peace and harmony that leads couples to the altar usually doesn't become
reality for seven or more years for most step-couples (Patricia Paternow, Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in
Remarried Families). (Some lucky couples with small children may discover the
honeymoon within a few years.) Until then, it is hard work and
determination—one step at a time—that finally pays off in a
"honeymoon" experience. One stepmom, Mary, tells of her introduction
to stepfamily reality. An accomplished child-and-adolescent therapist, this
intelligent woman was certain that becoming a step-mother of four teenage sons
was within her abilities. After all, she specialized in connecting with kids
and understood their common teenage struggles and immature behaviour. But she
wasn't prepared for her own emotional reactions to these behaviours when they
became a part of her life. After a wonderful wedding and weeklong honeymoon
with her husband in Hawaii, Mary returned home to discover all four boys
rollerblading inside the house on her hardwood floors. Welcome home and welcome
to real life! As you can tell, they had a few things to work through before the
family could experience a true honeymoon.
Press On!
While on a recent flight to Chicago,
the pilot of my (Ron's) airplane came on the loudspeaker to caution the
passengers: "As you can tell, we're experiencing some turbulence," he
said. "We've turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign for your protection, and
we want you to know that if you get out of your seat and break your arm, it's
on your nickel." While the passengers didn't appreciate his tone, we did
value the caution. Anyone trying to build a marriage in a stepfamily should
heed these words of caution: "Buckle your seat belts and remain seated.
The ride ahead may be bumpy for a while, but it will smooth out as you go.
Press on, and don't jump out of the plane!"
The Challenging Journey for Step-families by How to avoid divorce as you learn to blend your family Ron L. Deal and David H. Olson
Reviewed by Awareness
on
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
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