Dr. Juli
Slattery
Endless
romance. Hot sex. Being best-best-best-best friends. These are just some of the
idealistic hopes we pile onto marriage. There are good motivations behind each
of these hopes, but . . .
In fact,
putting the expectations of best friends, steamy lovers, and perfect co-parents
all in one relationship can end up hurting your marriage by making it seem
subpar.
While
being your husband's best friend may be unrealistic, being his friend
is a critical aspect of a healthy marriage. Like most aspects of marriage,
friendship doesn't just happen. You have to work at it. Think about the friends
you had in college. As much as you may have loved and enjoyed them, you've
probably lost touch over the years. Your lives have drifted apart. Even though
you live under the same roof, this can happen in marriage too. You and your
husband can forget to have fun, develop separate hobbies and passions, and lose
the art of enjoying each other's company. You can slowly start to exist as
roommates.
So how
can you prevent the friendship-fade in marriage? Here are three tips for
nurturing a friendship with your husband throughout the decades of marriage:
1. Just
do something. When it
comes to friendship, men tend to like to do life together while women
prefer to process life together. For you, building a friendship may mean
weekly coffee dates where you share your thoughts and feelings with your
husband. You connect by talking. Most likely, your husband isn't wired this
way. He feels connected with you by doing life with you. Guys don't
usually meet at Starbucks to share thoughts and feelings. They golf, bowl, or
work on a project together.
While
there may be times for a "talking date," make the effort to become
your husband's friend by sharing in what he likes to do. Watching a movie,
running on side-by-side treadmills at the gym, or going to Home Depot may not
seem very romantic. But even if you aren't talking, this may be how your
husband shares friendship with you. As you spend time doing life with your
husband, times to talk become a natural part of shared activity. This morning,
my husband and I did a 5 A.M. swim class together. Not exactly my cup of tea,
but it made his day. As I was swimming my laps, I'd hear him yell across the
pool, "I love you! You're doing great, Juli!" After our swim, we went
out for coffee, which made my day. (Now if I can just stay awake!)
2. Build a bucket list. Managing a household and
family together can get boring. Your discussions can revolve around the budget,
disciplining the kids, the backed-up septic tank, and carpool schedules. I've
been there! There have been seasons of marriage in which Mike and I simply
forgot to be friends. Then we created our marriage bucket list.
Together, we came up with 100 things we wanted to do throughout
our lifetime. Some of them were extravagant, like traveling to Rome and Paris.
Others were immediately "doable," like going on an adventure race or
leaving an exorbitant tip for someone who served us dinner. Some of our goals
were also spiritually-focused, like service projects or meeting great men and
women of the faith. Over the years we have completed almost half of the things
we dreamed of doing together. And we are still adding new items to the list.
A big part of keeping friendship alive is dreaming together.
Marriage only has as much passion as you put into it. Many marriages die
because the relationship is viewed as a roadblock to dreams. Sure, your spouse
may not share your exact interests, but any couple can find common ground if
they really look for it.
3. Don't listen to your feelings. That might
sound like very strange advice coming from a psychologist! Don't get me wrong.
Your feelings are important indicators of what is going on in your
marriage. However, your feelings should always be viewed as
"diagnostic" rather than "prescriptive." In other words,
let your feelings inform you, but not direct you.
There will be seasons of marriage in which you just don't feel
close to your husband. You don't want to go on a date, laugh together, or
have fun. Do it anyway. Research overwhelming indicates that our feelings
follow our actions, not the other way around. When you make the effort to have
fun with your husband, your feelings will follow. You can choose to be friends
with your husband—not based on feelings, but based on your priorities.
Picture where you and your husband might be in a few decades, in
the winter of your marriage. Your kids will be grown and gone. The heat of
sexual intimacy may have faded because of health. One or both of you will
probably be retired from your formal occupation. What is left? How will you
fill an empty house and hours of silence? Through friendship, the powerful bond
that will keep you connected through each season of joy and grief. It's worth
working toward now!
My Husband Isn't My Best Friend
Reviewed by Awareness
on
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
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