How to Be Happy in an Unhappy Marriage Everything you need to know to make it work by Leslie Vernick
After two failed marriages, Janice decided to try
one more time for the relationship she dreamed of. Yet, just one year later,
her marriage to Hank was crumbling. Defeated and confused, Janice cried out
to
God for some answers. “In that moment,” she says, “I began to realize that
there is no perpetual honeymoon to any marriage. Sometimes it’s just plain hard
work. It was then and there that God told me I could not depend on my husband
to make me happy, I would only find my true happiness in God.”
Even as Christians, many of us have grown up with unrealistic
expectations of marriage. Hollywood and Harlequin have taught us that we must
find our perfect match—our soul mates—to be happy. When difficulties occur in
our marriage, we may wonder, like Janice did, whether we have found the right
person or may even think we have made a terrible mistake. After twenty-six
years of marriage and more than two decades of counseling couples I have
learned that God created marriage to mature us and for us to enjoy, but it was
never intended to fulfill us or make us happy.
Marriage is God’s great idea, but in every marriage there are seasons of
difficulty and times of dryness where one or both partners may feel
dissatisfied with the marital relationship. As we work to improve our marriage,
sometimes our efforts don’t produce the changes we want. During these times,
the question we need to ask ourselves is not, “Should I leave my spouse so I
can find another person who will make me happy?” but rather, “Can I learn to
find contentment and joy while in the midst of an unhappy marriage? And if so,
how?”
Change Your Focus
Everyone I know wants to feel good inside, but few know the secret to
lasting happiness or even what happiness is. Is happiness a feeling of
emotional ecstasy? Intense pleasure with life’s circumstances? An internal
state of well-being or contentment? Happiness can comprise all of these things.
Several years ago my husband surprised me with a beautiful pearl
necklace I had admired. I felt really happy—for about three days—until I began
longing for some earrings to go with it. We all search for something to fulfill
us and make us happy, whether it is people, objects, or positions of status.
When we get what we desire, we feel a certain emotion we call happiness. This
feeling, however, is always short-lived and, like Solomon with his 700 wives
and me with my pearl necklace, we begin longing for the next thing we desire
that will bring us more satisfaction.
While on a trip to
Walt Disney World, I was struck by the number of cranky youngsters and
frustrated parents. My children, like many others, were caught up in the
excitement and wanted everything they saw. They felt elated whenever they got
what they wanted but their happiness didn’t last. When the next thing they
desired was denied, the thrill they felt just minutes before quickly
deteriorated and they became miserable.
Soon after my
Disney experience, I traveled overseas to do some speaking and teaching in the
Philippines. I observed barefoot children merrily swinging on old tires, living
in houses constructed from cardboard boxes. These children didn’t need lots of
stuff to make them happy. Though maybe just for the moment, they were enjoying
what they had.
Many of us feel
dissatisfied in life because we are not content with what God has given us. We
want more. How does this apply to our marriage?
Jesus tells us
that where our treasure is, there our hearts will be also (Matthew 6:21). If our treasure, or deepest desire, is in
having a great marriage or a fat bank account or certain other things we deem
essential to our well-being, then we will feel unhappy when we don’t get what
we want. For whatever has our heart, has us.
No one is more
concerned with our happiness than Jesus is. He just tells us a different way of
obtaining it than the world does. He tells us that happiness is never found by
pursuing happiness or pleasure or people, but only found by pursuing him. He
says, “Blessed [or happy] are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for
they shall be filled” (Matthew 5:6). Too many of us hunger and thirst after happiness
(or a good marriage or a big house), instead of hungering and thirsting after
God. We forget that Jesus is the only one who can deeply satisfy our soul.
Everyone desires unfailing love (Proverbs 19:22); it’s just that we will never receive that
kind of love continually from our spouses.
Created in his
image, God designed us to experience happiness when something brings us great
delight. For example, God is delighted when we find our greatest pleasure in
him. But often it is not God that brings us our greatest joy but what he gives
us. We desire his gifts but we don't realize that our greatest gift is God
himself. Oswald Chambers explains: “The great enemy of the life of faith in God
is not sin, but the good which is not good enough. The good is always the enemy
of the best.” We want and pursue good things, but often neglect the best thing.
The psalmist reminds us where lasting happiness is found. He writes, “You have
made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11). God’s love is the only love that never fails (Jeremiah 31:3).
Guard Your Heart
To find any joy in an unhappy or difficult marriage, we must learn to
guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). Many individuals who struggle in marriage get
very good at guarding their hearts, but the walls they build to protect
themselves are against their spouses instead of against their real enemy. In
the midst of an unhappy marriage, our spouse may feel like the enemy, but God
tells us that our real enemy is Satan and the Bible warns us that he is out to
devour us (1 Peter 5:8).
Satan’s goal has always been to get us to question God’s goodness and to
doubt that what God says is true. Jesus tells us that Satan is a liar (John 8:44)
and his strategy is to take something that seems true and twist it ever so
slightly. In a difficult marriage, Satan may whisper lies like, “Why should you
be the only one trying in the marriage? It’s not fair. Find someone else who
will make you happy.” Or, “Don’t forgive, she doesn’t deserve it. You’re entitled
to feel this way after what she did to you.” Or, “He will never be the person
you want. You made a terrible mistake marrying him and God doesn’t want you to
spend the rest of your life unhappily married to this person.”
Satan wants us to believe that God is not good and that he does not know
what is in our best interest. Remember, he is not interested in our well-being
or our happiness. He wants to destroy us and our families.
Guarding my heart not only requires me to be aware of Satan’s schemes,
but to draw close to God and listen to truth. Don’t let Satan deceive you into
believing that any lasting happiness can be found apart from God.
Live for the Eternal
In the midst of hardship, our natural response is to look for the
nearest exit. That’s true of difficult marriages as well. Whether we exit in
big ways like divorce or adultery or in small ways by shutting down and
withdrawing emotionally, we want out. Yet the Bible tells us in James 1 that it
is in the midst of difficulties that we have the opportunity to develop one of
the most important disciplines we need live life well—perseverance. Without
this quality we will tend to live for what brings us relief or pleasure in the
short-run.
I love to eat,
especially sweets. I love tasting warm, gooey chocolate in my mouth, and I
could be happy eating chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yet when I
overindulge, I’m plagued with other emotions like guilt and regret. I’m angry
that I’ve sabotaged the bigger goal I have of gaining self-control and maintaining
good eating habits. I’ve also discovered that when I succeed in saying no to
the chocolate temptation, I actually feel happier with myself.
We only understand
what makes us truly happy when we have a long-term perspective on life. Living
for the moment can fool us into thinking that temporal pleasures bring
happiness. The writer of Proverbs warns us, “At the end of your life you will
groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, ‘How I hated
discipline! How my heart spurned correction!’” (Proverbs 5:3,11,12). Many have discovered only too late, that
what brought joy in the moment caused hardship and grief in the long run.
The apostle Paul
reminds us that it was only when he kept the eternal lens fixed tightly to his
spiritual eyes was he kept from utter despair in times of great difficulty (see
2 Corinthians 4). Looking at the big picture gives us
perspective in the moment and helps us see that God is good and is doing
something good in us, even in the midst of a difficult marriage (Romans 8:28, 29).
If your marriage consists of physical or emotional
abuse, you may also need to take measures to protect yourself and your children
in ways that are beyond the scope of this article. Please consult with your
pastor or Christian counselor to find ways to deal with this situation.
Knowing that you
can find some joy the midst of an unhappy marriage will give you enough staying
power to persevere until things change. You can experience a sense of
well-being as you learn the secret of being content in whatever situation God
allows in your life. When we take the high road in the midst of marital
troubles it leads to growth and spiritual maturity. In addition to that, our
children will watch an example of what it means to walk with God and to trust
him in all things. And while enjoying these blessings you may discover that
your marriage improves. However, the greatest happiness in all of life will
come when we hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” And in the
end, that is all that counts.
How to Be Happy in an Unhappy Marriage Everything you need to know to make it work by Leslie Vernick
Reviewed by Awareness
on
Saturday, August 27, 2016
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