Master Piece on Love: How to be a Generous Lover: moving beyond selfish love to a servant love By Dr. Juli Slattery

 As women, we typically view sex as a way of expressing the love and intimacy we feel in our hearts. It’s definitely a challenge to be sexually intimate when those feelings of love are absent. For the first decade of my marriage, it irritated me when my husband wanted sex when we had barely spoken. From his perspective, sex was the way we could connect and feel close. So, we were at a stalemate: I needed to feel love to have sex, and he needed to have sex to feel love.
The truth is both of our perspectives were flawed. God designed sex to be more than either of us had understood. Sexual intimacy isn’t just a means of expressing love, nor is it primarily a way to feel close. Sex is also the laboratory in which love is tested, revealed, and refined.
Intimacy in the Differences
Imagine you and your husband live in sexual utopia. You always want to have sex at exactly the same time and the same way your husband wants it. Every initiation is met with an eager response. There is never any conflict about foreplay, being too tired, giving each other pleasure, or trying something new in bed because your desires are always exactly the same. How fantastic would that be? It would be almost like the sex portrayed in movies—what a great love life!
God certainly could have made sex that way. He could have created man and woman to be exactly the same sexually. But he didn’t. In fact, he intentionally made us vastly different.
Remember that even before sin entered the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had primary sexual differences in the way God created them. God declared his creation of man and woman “very good” and this very good included your sexual differences. It is hard to fathom, but it is the differences between you and your husband that can create the deepest intimacy.
Here’s the deal: God’s design for sex is not just for immediate exquisite pleasure (although he is all for that). God has a much more beautiful gift of intimacy for us than the world’s interpretation of sex. The catch, though, is it requires a different kind of love.
As women, we typically view sex as a way of expressing the love and intimacy we feel in our hearts. It’s definitely a challenge to be sexually intimate when those feelings of love are absent. For the first decade of my marriage, it irritated me when my husband wanted sex when we had barely spoken. From his perspective, sex was the way we could connect and feel close. So, we were at a stalemate: I needed to feel love to have sex, and he needed to have sex to feel love.
The truth is both of our perspectives were flawed. God designed sex to be more than either of us had understood. Sexual intimacy isn’t just a means of expressing love, nor is it primarily a way to feel close. Sex is also the laboratory in which love is tested, revealed, and refined.

Intimacy in the Differences
Imagine you and your husband live in sexual utopia. You always want to have sex at exactly the same time and the same way your husband wants it. Every initiation is met with an eager response. There is never any conflict about foreplay, being too tired, giving each other pleasure, or trying something new in bed because your desires are always exactly the same. How fantastic would that be? It would be almost like the sex portrayed in movies—what a great love life!
God certainly could have made sex that way. He could have created man and woman to be exactly the same sexually. But he didn’t. In fact, he intentionally made us vastly different.
Remember that even before sin entered the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had primary sexual differences in the way God created them. God declared his creation of man and woman “very good” and this very good included your sexual differences. It is hard to fathom, but it is the differences between you and your husband that can create the deepest intimacy.
Here’s the deal: God’s design for sex is not just for immediate exquisite pleasure (although he is all for that). God has a much more beautiful gift of intimacy for us than the world’s interpretation of sex. The catch, though, is it requires a different kind of love.
From Selfish Love to Servant Love
No area of marriage has tested my love more than sex. It’s so tangible and demands so much of me! At times, I’d much rather make my husband’s favorite cookies or listen to him talk about work. To give my body, well, it just seems to be asking too much.
After all, it is my body, isn’t it?
“The man should give his wife all that is her right as a married woman, and the wife should do the same for her husband: for a girl who marries no longer has full right to her own body, for her husband then has his rights to it, too; and in the same way the husband no longer has full right to his own body, for it belongs also to his wife. So do not refuse these rights to each other” (1 Corinthians 7:3–5, TLB).
Sexual intimacy in marriage asks every husband and wife the question, “What kind of lover are you?” A generous lover or a selfish lover? You see, it’s easy to enjoy sex when you both want the same thing. But God has made us so different that sexual intimacy inevitably leads to an impasse: her needs versus his needs. One wants sex more than the other. One likes to try new things, the other likes to keep it predictable.
Sex is designed to be more than an expression of love between a husband and wife. It is also the refining fire of love. It tests and teaches a willing man and woman to reach beyond their natural desires and learn what servant love really is.
The world knows only of a love that feels good. We are born with the natural response to “love” those who meet our physical and emotional needs. This kind of natural love is essentially self-love. It really says, “I love the way you make me feel.”
It is the differences between you and your husband that can create the deepest intimacy.
If your husband had the same sex drive as you, if he liked to kiss and be touched all over the same way you do, frankly, loving him wouldn’t cost you much.
You already know how to love your husband with natural, selfish love. It’s easy to please him when he’s pleasing you. But do you know the secret of loving him when it’s a “bad husband day”? Do you know how to respond to him sexually when it’s the very last thing on earth you feel like doing? Or how to be patient when he’s not meeting your sexual needs? This is the kind of love God wants to develop in you and your husband. And he just might be using your sexual differences as the training ground.
Changing the Dynamic
For some women reading this article, your response may be: “Why do I always have to be the one giving? Why can’t he be generous? Why does it always seem to fall on my shoulders to improve our marriage?”
This is a fair question. In most marriages, it is the woman who is more motivated to improve the relationship. The healthiest marriages are those in which both husband and wife show generous love, in and out of the bedroom. But the truth is you can only change one person: you. In many marriages, when one person switches from a selfish perspective to becoming a generous lover, the entire dynamic of the relationship changes.
When a husband and wife see the beauty of love tested and refined by sexual differences, their lovemaking truly becomes about making love. God really cares about how we love—not just in the neighbourhood but also in the bedroom. His desire is that we move from selfish love to generous love.

WISE WORDS FOR MARRIED MEN.....
14 Points For Husbands To Note
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1. The Husband that beats up his wife is not wise. The designer of Marriage (God) called her your help meet and not your punching bag.
2. The Husband that treats his wife like his housemaid lacks wisdom. She is the mother of your children for Christ sake and demands huge respect from you.
3. The husband that refuses to fulfill his financial responsibility at home while he spent lavishly on different girl friends outside simply makes a fool of himself. He that provides not for his home is nothing but a big fool and is worse than an infidel.
4. The husband that humiliates his wife in front of kids, friends and family is simply but a disgrace to himself. Women are so precious to God, and that was why God carefully made them. The woman paid a huge price; she left her family to stay with you. And her decision to drop her father’s name to pick yours is really commendable.
5. The husband that makes his home like a military camp is tantamount to playing with fire. No fun, no joke, no play, no-nonsense, he barks at everybody like a Sergeant. The husband that makes himself a lion in the home is a big shame. If you destroy your home, soon you will be the boss of an empty home.
6. The husband that brings in another woman to rival his wife is nothing but a big fool. When God, the designer of marriage, designs it, he only designed it for a man and a woman, and not for a man and many women. Domestic broils are of frequent occurrence in houses of polygamists if you don’t know.
7. The husband that does not pull himself away from friends' influence and advice or even from the control of his mother and father will have himself to blame.
8. The husband that rejects his wife’s food because he is angry is simply childish.
9. The husband that sees his wife as a mere cook, dry cleaner, baby making factory is a big joker!
10. If your children suddenly become more important to you than your wife, you need prayers.
11. The husband that makes himself so difficult to be talked to is not a wise husband. He who deprives his wife from intimacy and due closeness in marriage is not wise at all.
12. The husband that has no sorry in his dictionary is playing with fire. He that compares his wife with his former girl friends lacks wisdom
13. The husband that reports his wife to third parties lacks maturity. He that called his wife horrible names is simply a big fool.
14. The husband that confides in his parents rather than his wife is still a babe. He that destroys his wife’s property over a minor argument destroys himself. Are you your wife's best friend in word and indeed? Now That you have read this, please SHARE to educate others. They need to read it too.

WISE WORDS FOR MARRIED WOMEN.....
12 Points For Wives To Note
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1. The wife that wins all arguments with her husband is not wise. The home is not a law court.
2. The wife that uses sex as a weapon in the home placing embargo, going to bed in jeans shorts and trousers lacks wisdom.
3. The wife that uses the modern trends and laws of "women's rights" to insult or ridicule her husband simply makes a fool of herself.
4. A woman that makes her home devoid of peace through bickering, nagging and quarrels needs help. A man should be eager to run away from office to be at home, for that should be the safest and coziest place on earth for him.
5. Modern-day equality in marriage does not mean competition. It simply means partnership. Taking advantage of such equality to turn around and become the de facto head of the home and oppress the man is tantamount to playing with fire. If you destroy your home, soon you will be the boss of an empty
home.
6. A wise wife makes the man feel so good that he assumes that he is the head. Once he gets that feeling, the woman gently wields her power and the head actually turns to wherever the neck wants without a protest.
7. A wife that does not pull herself away from friends' influence and advice or even from the control of her mother and father will have herself to blame.
8. When a man is looking for a wife, he bypasses women of different shapes and sizes to choose a wife. But soon after childbirth, many women hide under the excuse of childbirth to let go of themselves.
Many stop bothering about their looks, shape, dressing, etc. Within 5 years of marriage, people start wondering if the wife is the man's aunt, even though she is 7 years younger. Her defence is that if he truly loves her, he should love her the way she is. But when looking for a wife, he saw people like the present YOU and ignored them and settled for the former YOU. Today, you go to bed smelling of onions and ogiri. You go to bed wearing grandmothers' clothes. Why are you playing with your marriage? Love is not about looks - we know.
9. If every night you are tired, sleepy, sore, down with headache or fever, "not in the mood," you are a
joker, a serious comedian!
10. If your children suddenly become more important to you than your husband, you need prayers.
11. If you assume that as the woman, only you need to be pampered and fussed over while the man is a stone that has no emotions, you need to be pitied.
12. A woman that has the mind of a wife does not excite her husband. Wives are usually complacent and presumptuous. A wife must strive to have the mind of being her husband best friend. A good wife is always nicer, sweeter, more loving and always thinking of ways to wow her sweetheart; a good wife does not try to win all arguments, does not call the husband a "useless man", is not careless about her looks or dressing, always smiles and laughs with the man, sends the man sweet messages and calls, etc. Are you your husband's best friend in word and indeed? Now That you have read this, please SHARE to educate others. They need to read it too.

“I hate sex” There’s hope for your life between the sheets. By Dr. Juli Slatter
“I hate sex,” Shelly told me. “It makes me angry to hear you even suggest that I’m supposed to be enjoying it. I’ve been married 23 years and have never enjoyed it. Frankly, I do it because I’m supposed to.”
I hear from women like Shelly quite often. They feel ripped off, like they’ve been cheated out of something they’re supposed to enjoy. The message that sex is a gift from God almost sounds insulting. Instead, they view sex as the gift they must continually, and begrudgingly, give to their husband.
To some degree, many years of my marriage could be described by that same sentiment. I didn’t hate sex, but I certainly dreaded it. I resented the fact that my husband’s pleasure had to come at the expense of my pain. But as a woman who longed to be a godly wife, I determined before the Lord that I would meet my husband’s needs. While God was probably pleased with that attitude, it certainly didn’t represent the true healing he wanted to do in my heart and in my marriage.
But I do believe God is able to bring healing into every woman’s heart.
On this journey, God has taught me—and is still teaching me!—what true sexual intimacy can be. Every woman’s story is different, so I’m not offering a simplistic formula that will guarantee a miracle in your bedroom. But I do believe God is able to bring healing into every woman’s heart.
Address the Obstacles
It’s important to start out by addressing some common barriers that prevent women from enjoying sex. While some men want to have sex every three hours and others may want to do so once a week, almost universally men find sex pleasurable. This is not true for most women. Female sexuality is far more complicated, and obstacles to sexual pleasure typically fall in three categories: physical, relational, and emotional.
Physical
Sexual response is complicated. It involves many functions of the body, including the endocrine, circulatory, skeletal, muscular, and reproductive systems. That means a lot can go wrong. For example, an underactive thyroid can destroy sexual desire and response. An imbalance of hormones will do the same. Medications like antidepressants and even decongestants can impact sexual function.
Physical obstacles to sexual pleasure may also be difficult to diagnose, partly because physical pain can have a psychological root. Women who experience vaginismus (pain during intercourse) have a learned fear response to intercourse, causing the vaginal muscles to tighten. Even your OBGYN may not be able to explain why sex always hurts or why it started hurting after you had your second baby.
I recommend going beyond a simple doctor’s visit. Search for the right doctor, midwife, physician’s assistant, or nurse practitioner who understands sexual functions and disorders. Search until you get answers—you never know what you may find. After years of sexual pain, one woman I know discovered that her acne cream interfered with her sexual response.
Relational
You can have a great marriage and still have a rotten sex life, but the quality of your marriage is still the foundation for sexual intimacy. Ask yourself a few important questions to determine the current health of your marriage: Do you trust your spouse in the bedroom? Is he sensitive to your needs? Do you communicate with each other about sex? Are there secrets, bitterness, or unresolved tensions between you?
Sara hated sex. Over the 11 years of their marriage, it was a demand her husband, Jake, made several times a week. He never asked if she would like to have sex—he assumed it was his God-given right as a married man. Sex made Sara feel like an object. She wondered if Jake even cared that it was her body he was being intimate with.
Sexuality represents some of our greatest vulnerabilities. In the daily routine of marriage, we often don’t stop to consider how we’ve been wounded in marriage, or why we don’t trust the man who sleeps besides us every night.
Joyce and Ben had different barriers. For one, during their 19 years of marriage, Ben had dabbled off and on with porn. Second, Ben confessed to a one-night stand on a business trip, but the repercussions were never dealt with. Instead, the matter was quickly swept under the rug as if it never happened. This left Joyce feeling like a part of her heart was dead. She consented to share her body with Ben, but kept her heart closed to intimacy.
Sexuality represents some of our greatest vulnerabilities. In the daily routine of marriage, we often don’t stop to consider how we’ve been wounded in marriage, or why we don’t trust the man who sleeps besides us every night. But until these issues are surfaced and addressed, physical pleasure and freedom is unlikely to be a reality.
Emotional
This topic would be hard to adequately cover in a book, let alone part of an article! Of all the barriers to sexual enjoyment, I believe the most common are emotional—and emotions run deep.
Some women have a history of pain that has paired sex with extremely negative and painful emotions. For them, sex equals shame. It equals guilt. It’s shrouded in sin. It’s made them feel exploited. For women with emotional barriers like these, the issues don’t disappear on their wedding day. Putting on a ring and saying vows in a church doesn’t erase those messages.
The emotional trauma connected to sexual brokenness is often so deep that you may not even be aware of it. In fact, many women don’t remember the details of childhood sexual abuse until they reach adulthood. They simply carry a vague sense that “something isn’t right.”
These are the lies that keep women from pursing healing. They’re the lies that make women assume, “This is as good as it’s going to get.”
Other women have no history of sexual trauma or guilt from past mistakes, but they still can’t seem to enjoy sex. I’ve met women who saved themselves for marriage, dreaming of the ecstasy that sex promises. But no matter how hard they try, they simply don’t feel free to enjoy sex. The idea of trying something new brings panic and waves of disgust.



Expose the Lies
Healing from physical, relational, and emotional barriers takes work and effort, starting with a commitment to identify and address those barriers. But part of working through these barriers is breaking down a few commonly held lies. These are the lies that keep women from pursing healing. They’re the lies that make women assume, “This is as good as it’s going to get.” If you’re tired of disappointment in the bedroom, your journey toward healing may mean overcoming these lies.
• Lie #1: God created sex primarily for a man’s pleasure. Because women believe this lie, they build sexual intimacy around a man’s needs, having sex when and how he wants it. After years or decades of marriage, you may never have considered that your needs matter too! It is worth exploring how sex can be satisfying for you. It is worth pursuing counselling to work through the pain of the past. Don’t settle!
• Lie #2: It’s not right for a godly woman to be sexual. No one says this lie out loud, but a lot of women live by it. Sexual excitement is automatically linked with sexual immorality. Other women “punish” themselves for past sexual mistakes by not enjoying the sexual aspect of their marriage. They’ve bought the lie that to be sexual means to be sinful.
Take a Step Toward Healing
Because sex is such a private area of struggle, many women don’t know where to go for help. They simply settle for frustration in this area of life. We live in a day and age when help is readily available for all kinds of issues—even sexual ones. Yet, reaching out to a counsellor or even buying a book on the topic is frightening. If there’s sexual trauma in your past, or events in your life marred by shame, the thought of talking through this pain may seem unbearable.
No one can promise you that your sex drive will go from zero to 60 in 90 days.
Would you be willing to take one small step? That might be calling a counsellor, simply praying with your husband about your sex life, or studying Scripture. Linda Dillow and I wrote a Bible study called Passion Pursuit to help women identify the lies they believe, and to embrace God’s truth about sexuality. Through this study, we’ve seen women set free. Women have started enjoying sex even after decades of miserable sex lives.
As obvious as it sounds, nothing in your life will change if you change nothing in your life. Just like your kitchen won’t magically clean itself, your sexual struggles and wounds won’t simply disappear one day. So go ahead: address the lies. Break down the obstacles. No one can promise you that your sex drive will go from zero to 60 in 90 days. We live in a fallen world filled with disappointment and brokenness. But God is in the business of healing and redeeming our pain. Don’t give up hope.

How Parents Destroyed Their Children: Supporting Exam Misconducts
There is no gainsaying that educational morality has continued to dwindle and raises question on the essential value of education. Ordinarily, educational values are second to Biblical values. In fact it is a sine quo non to godliness and righteousness. These are evident in the canal of those who experienced first missionary education and training.
After ‘Expo 70’, there began a sharp decrease of quality and core values of educational attributes. This decrease became a tradition that our religious and Christian parents have started helping their wards to indulge in such sagacious and inimical exercise. We know indeed that examination is not actually the true test of knowledge and it is simply to examine the extent the learner had understood and internalized the learning content. The quest for paper qualification led us to leaving the reality and pursuing the shadow.
Today, Christian parents are the architect and supporter of all manner of exam malpractices and misconducts. When parents are aware on the ideal cost of WAE and NECO but dares to pay huge amount for their wards on the ground that a particular centre clears their papers in the external exams. Such disposition had become the menace our moral and religious values that one can kill and do all sorts of things to make it. The consequences as pointed out by Malami (2013) are as seen below:
The Consequences of Examination
The consequences of examination malpractice both to education and the society will be catastrophic in the long run candidates/students who would ordinarily be working hard to pass examination will now depend on quack arrangement. Since such arrangements rarely failed. Then the fraud or malpractice may eventually be seen as a way of academic exercise. The candidates produced in this manner will grow into adults and teachers or examinations officials who will not see anything wrong with such sophisticated and high class examination fraud thus defeating the goals of education by turning out certificated illiterates.
Examination malpractice increases lack of confidence among students. Students who would have ordinarily passed an examination feel disappointed and loss of confidence when less intelligent ones perform better than then through cheating, thus leading to loss of confidence in themselves and in the examination and the system at large.
Examinations malpractice may lure some students into others areas of misconducts such as prostitutions and or armed robbery, female students who lack money to fund external assistance or pay for scores may take prostitution while male may as well take stealing or armed robbery in a bid to make money to pay for scores.
Other general effects of examinations malpractice can be summarized as follows:
- The products of examinations malpractice are square pegs in round holes. They lack the required knowledge and experience to carry out their assignment and professional duties effectively.
- Examinations malpractice produce candidates with low moral and academic values.
- The products of examination malpractice always end up with unfulfilled dreams in their chosen career
- Examinations malpractice is a negative orientation for future leaders who may end up being fraudulent and corrupt in their various offices.
- Anyone who engages in examinations malpractice is building on a false foundation which can lead to serious professional errors.
Conclusion
Until parents especially our mothers realize that they are destroying their children and our generation, the menace of malpractice will not leave our society and this nullifies the integrity of your Christian profession because two wrongs cannot make a right. Proper preparation they say prevents poor performance P5.

Quotable quotes for Mummies and Daddies.
 Don’t get discouraged by what you’re going through. Your time is coming. Be patient. Where you are is not where you’re going to stay.
 When I am tempted to blame others, Lord help me see what I need to change to make things better – Renee Swope.
 A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couples LEARN to enjoy their differences - Dave Meurer.
 The silent treatment is the loudest invitation for the Devil’s interference in your marriage. When husband & wife stop COMMUNICATING, it gives the devil sufficient time & uncontested opportunity to influence them separately Isaac Kubuoruno.
 Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence.~ George Washington
 The man of wisdom is never of two minds; the man of benevolence never worries; the man of courage is never afraid.~ Confucius
 Character is higher than intellect. A great soul will be strong to live, as well as strong to think.~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
 Actions, looks, words and steps form the alphabet by which you may spell character.~ Johann Kasper Lavater
 The greater a man is in power above others, the more he ought to excel them in virtue. None ought to govern who is not better than the governed.~ Publius Syrus
 Two things define your personality, the way you manage things when you have nothing and the way you behave when you have everything.
 If you don’t want to regret in marriage, don’t marry because time is running. Marry  on God’s time –  Isaac Kubuoruno.
 Be careful what you say, you can say something hurtful in ten seconds, but ten years later, the wound are still there – Joel Osteem
 Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is gong to determine how you’re going to live your life.
 “No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you don’t want”.
 Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; MARRY the individual you think you can’t live without – James O. Dobion
 Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.
 Marry someone who makes you fall in love with God every single day.
 Modern Christians are too tolerant, too nice, too anxious to be popular, and too quick to make excuses for sin in is many forms. God’s people should be willing to stand for God – A. W. Tozer.
 If your child is lying, it means you OVERREACTED to the mistakes in the past. If your child had poor self-esteem, it is because you ADVICE them more than you ENCOURAGE them. If your child does not stand up for themselves it is because from a young age you have disciplined them regularly in public. Parents shouldn’t do so even in front of siblings, friends or cousins. If you buy everything for your children and they still take things that do not belong to them, it is because you don’t let them CHOOSE.
 Being nice to someone you have an issue with doesn’t mean you are fake...it means someone taught you how to be polite.
 Always pray to have eyes that see the BEST, a heart that FORGIVES the worst, a mind that FORGETS the bad and a soul that NEVER loses faith in God.
 God never negotiates with men. Jesus Christ’s death on the cross put an end to any kind of negotiations. It is now Christ or nothing. it is now God’s word in its entirety or nothing – A. W. Tozer
 Religion can reform a person’s life, but it can never transform him. Only the Holy Spirit can transform – A. W. Tozer.
 You cannot travel back in time to fix your mistakes, but you can learn form the and forgive yourself for not knowing better – Leon Brown.
 Trying to be happy without a sense of God’s presence is like trying to have a bright day without the sun – A. W. Tozer.
 “We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties”. – Oswald Chambers
 Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
 Your position in church is not your relationship with God. You can have a title ad no real relationship with Jesus.

Living in a loveless marriage: Why divorce wasn’t the answer to my emptiness by Judy Bodmer
I lay in bed staring at the darkness. My husband, Larry, was snoring softly beside me. We'd just had another fight. I could hardly remember what had started it, but I knew we'd both said ugly, hateful things. Nothing had been resolved. We'd just gotten tired. Now he slept and I lay here, feeling utterly alone.
I crawled out of bed to check on our two sons. David, such a handful while awake, looked like an angel even though his face was sticky from the ice cream he'd eaten earlier. I pulled Matthew's covers back on his small body and smoothed his blond head. He needed a haircut. Working full-time, with two small sons to referee and a house to keep clean, I never had enough time to do it all.
Something drew me to the window. I could see the lights from downtown Seattle. So many people. What were they doing? Were they as lonely as I was? Was there anyone out there who cared? God, I cried, help me find the strength to leave.
Hitting the Wall
After ten years of marriage, I wanted out. Our love hadn't died in the heat of this battle or any other battle. It had died at the bottom of a wall it couldn't climb.
I remember clearly the day I laid the first brick. We'd been married nine months. We went to a movie and I waited for Larry to reach over and take my hand, thus proving the magic was still there. But he didn't and, as the movie progressed, I grew hurt and angry. He shrugged it off, surprised I was upset over such a little thing. To him it was nothing; to me it was the first sign our love wasn't perfect.
As the years passed, I added more bricks. When we were first married, he called me every day from work. But slowly those phone calls grew further apart and finally stopped. When I brought it up, he started calling again, but it wasn't the same. When we watched TV in the evening, he'd fall asleep. When we went out for dinner, he couldn't think of anything to say. His days off were measured by how much he got done—chores, work, and the children took priority. I got the crumbs, and I was starving.
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did; he wasn't abusive, he didn't run around with other women, he didn't drink or do drugs. He came home every night and worked hard to support our family. Despite this, the wall grew, built with bricks of buried anger, unmet needs, silences, and cold shoulders. The marriage books we read made things worse; counseling confused the issues.
Divorce seemed like the only answer. It would give me a chance to start over and find the right person. Yes, it would be hard on the children, but when I was finally happy, I'd be a better parent. In the long run, it would be better for all of us.
Divorce's Price Tag
Before taking that big step, I asked myself some key questions. First, would a divorce make me happier? Somewhere I read that people who divorce tend to remarry the same kind of person, that the root of unhappiness isn't in the people we marry but in ourselves. When I looked at my husband, I knew this was true. The trait in Larry that drew me to him—his calm exterior—also drove me crazy. He never complained, criticized, or caused a fuss. The downside was that when situations arose when he should get angry, he didn't. Once he was cheated in a business deal. I wanted him to confront the man who'd lied to him, but he wouldn't. His love of peace kept him from standing up for himself, making me think he was a moral marshmallow. But if I divorced Larry, I knew I'd marry someone with his same peaceful demeanor. And if I did, my problems would be multiplied by his kids, my kids, child support, and custody battles.
I took a long, hard look at the single mothers I knew. They were exhausted and lonely. There was no one to help soothe crying babies, entertain toddlers, shuttle kids to practices, or help with the house, yard, and car.
Could I afford a divorce financially? The average divorce, according to my paralegal friend, costs about $12,000. My salary was good, but when I looked at our household expenses, there would be hardly enough money to live on, let alone extra money to pay lawyers.
Would my children really be better off in the long run? I looked at the children of my friends who'd divorced. Many of these kids started getting into trouble: staying out all night, drinking, doing drugs, and running away. Most of them were angry and blamed themselves for their parents' split. They took it out on their mother. The father became the hero because he wasn't doing the disciplining. Instead, he brought presents, bought a hot car, and took them fun places the mother couldn't afford. Studies show that even 25 years after a split, children can still have significant emotional problems stemming from their parents' divorce.
What about my friends? I assumed they'd be there for me, but was I being realistic? Four of my friends divorced in one year—I didn't see any of them now. Two of them disappeared, one began leading a lifestyle I couldn't support, and another dated men I didn't care for. Even with the best of intentions, if I divorced, I'd probably lose many, if not all, of my friends.
God showed me I might escape my current pain, but in the long run, divorce extracted a high price. One I wasn't willing to pay.
Fanning the Flames
But I refused to settle for the status quo. From experience, I knew I couldn't change my husband. There was only one person I could change: me. Jesus said, "You hypocrite, first take the plank our of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5). I got involved in a women's Bible study and started applying what I learned. Before I read a passage, I asked God to examine me. After many sessions on my face before him, honestly asking for forgiveness, I started to change. I became less critical and more forgiving. I stopped taking everything Larry said and did so personally.
I tried new things—taking a writing class, asking a new friend to lunch, volunteering at school. With Larry's blessing, I quit my job to stay home with our children, even though it meant cutting our income in half.
From 1 Corinthians 13, I discovered love isn't a feeling but an action. I decided to treat Larry with love, even though I didn't feel like it. Instead of pointing out his shortcomings, I told him the things he did right. Instead of reading books to see what Larry should be doing differently, I read to discover how I could be a better wife, mother, and friend.
My change in attitude had an amazing effect on Larry. He began spending more time with me. When I stopped overreacting to his comments, he felt freer to share more with me.
My decision to stay went against everything the world told me. Jesus promised, "I have come that [you] may have life and have it to the full" (John 10:10). I decided if God was my God, then I could trust this promise. I asked him to restore my love.
Rekindled
The love I thought had died didn't return in a week, a month, or even in a year. There were times I wanted to give up. But I clung to God's promise that he would give me the desire of my heart.
One weekend Larry and I went away. Before we left, we prayed and drew a line in the sand. Everything that had happened before was over; this was a new beginning. That weekend I experienced a new passion for my husband. The flame I thought was dead was rekindled.
Today when I sit in church worshiping God, I shudder at what I almost threw away. Larry and I laugh over things that used to drive me nuts, like his falling asleep in front of the TV. I can tell Larry anything, and he listens. Just yesterday he sent me a fax just to tell me he loves me.
At night when we lay curled up together, I reach over and touch him just to reassure myself he's still there. The love I have is strong. It's born out of suffering and obedience. The pain, tears, and struggles to get to this point were worth it for these rich rewards. There is hope for loveless marriages. Our relationship is living proof.