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As part of a series about young
people in the Middle East, the BBC News website explores relationships in
Cairo where sex outside wedlock is taboo - but some say not uncommon.
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Courting couples on Cairo's
6th of October bridge are a new sight
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Fatima and her boyfriend had
been together for about two years when she discovered she was pregnant.
"I had to have an
abortion. I didn't want to do it, but in this society I didn't have any
choice," she says, now an outspoken 27 year-old.
"I hate it when I remember
it, because it was a very, very bad experience." Her family know nothing
of her ordeal.
Mido, 28, has had four serious
girlfriends. He has had sex several times and feels no guilt, but would never
tell his parents.
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 Our
governments are all corrupt and, though there is some change for the
better, nothing is really improving 
Rasha, Bahrain
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"I don't have the courage
to shake their beliefs - especially my father's," he says.
Niveen, 24, has been seeing her
boyfriend for four months. They plan to move in together without their
parents finding out.
"Whenever you have a
relationship here you have to take risks, and this is the risk I'm
taking," she says.
Spending the night together is
difficult as both live at home with their families. Even going to a hotel
means checking into different rooms and sneaking between them.
Hidden lives
With their secret lifestyles,
these three young people from Cairo's liberal, intellectual elite are pushing
at the limits set by a society dominated by traditional views.
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'How important is female
circumcision?' - Fatima, 16
Meet the young people learning about reproductive health from their own
peers in rural Egypt
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Even among educated urbanites,
the concept of an unmarried mother simply does not exist. A bride's virginity
is so highly prized that doctors charge up to 1000 Egyptian pounds (US$173)
to reconstruct a young woman's hymen.
But there are perceptions that
in general, at least in Cairo, sex before marriage is widespread and
increasing as spiralling costs and high unemployment push marriage ages up.
On any summer evening along
Cairo's 6th October Bridge, veiled figures nestle up to young men. The
couples gaze down into the Nile, engaged in intimate conversation amid the
blaring horns and traffic fumes.
Locals will tell you this is
increasing as it becomes more socially acceptable, and that many of these
couples are from Cairo's poorer areas.
But there is debate over
whether this new openness about courtship is resulting in more premarital
sex.
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I'm
a Muslim and in Islam sex before marriage is forbidden, so I am against it
Mohammed Esmat, 20, student
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Gynaecologist Rima Khofash
works among both rich and poor in Cairo and estimates that about 50% of young
people have pre-marital sex.
"I think now there is a
revolution in sex between young people - they do it haphazardly - often in
short-term relationships."
Abortion is illegal in Egypt in
all but a few cases. Approximately one woman a month comes to her clinic with
complications resulting from a backstreet termination, she says.
Dr Khofash is certain that the
number of abortions is increasing: "All gynaecologists know this, but we
don't know how much it is increasing by."
'Not widespread'
But Dr Sahar Tawila of Cairo
University, who co-ordinated one of the most comprehensive studies ever of
young people in Egypt, believes the prevalence of sex before marriage has
been dramatically overblown in the Egyptian media.
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We
didn't have full sex - we didn't have a place to do it. If it was easier,
yes, I think I would have liked to
Mona, 27, Cairo
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"It is not widespread.
Sexual relationships do exist, but they should be put in proportion."
In the 2001 nationwide study,
21% of young men with higher education said they knew someone who had had
pre-marital sex - and this dropped to 1.4% among the uneducated.
Dr Tawila says young people,
particularly girls, are highly aware of the risks of pre-marital sex.
For example, Shaymaa, 20, is in
love with Ashraf, her boyfriend of 18 months. But she refuses anything more
intimate than holding hands.
If she has sex with him, she
explains, she may end up being forced to marry him, which she is not yet sure
she wants to do. "Virginity is your whole life," she says.
Ashraf, 26, says he has been
pushing her towards intimacy: "I just have to stop at a point when I am
sure she will refuse to sleep with me - that means she is a good girl."
Many more young women say they
plan to stay virgins until they marry. Several point out that girls face more
pressure to do so than boys.
"Boys I know have many
girlfriends, even at the same time. One of my best friends told me he made
love with his girlfriend and then said 'I won't ever marry her - she's not a
virgin'," one 19-year-old female student said.
Illegal operation
This pressure drives the demand
for hymen reconstruction operations, which can even involve stitching a small
capsule of red fluid into the vagina to ensure wedding night
"bleeding".
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Clothing is getting more
liberal - views on dating may be too
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Gynaecologist Ahdy Wahid Rizk
says that each week, two or three young women visit his central Cairo clinic
to ask about hymen reconstruction, despite the fact that he has always
refused to carry out the illegal operation.
But even so, those having
premarital sex may well still be a small minority. For those who would like
to, there are still many barriers.
Mona, 27, was with her
boyfriend for two years: "We didn't have full sex. We didn't have a place
to do it. If it was easier, yes, I think I would have liked to. But it's also
our traditions that stopped me. I felt guilty about what we did."
And many others simply believe
it is wrong, like Cairo University student Mohammed Esmat, 20: "I'm a
Muslim and in Islam sex before marriage is forbidden, so I am against
it."
Some names have been changed to
protect the identities of interviewees.
Are you young in the Middle
East? How do young men and women get to know other in your country? Are you
having a secret relationship?
The following comments reflect
the balance of views received:
I did not want to comment about
my own experiences. Instead I would like to point out what I think is
somewhat of a mistake in this article. It is true that 'clothing in Egypt is
becoming more liberal' but this is ONLY for the 'wealthy-liberal-elite', who
often cannot wear such clothing openly in the streets. The 'liberalisation'
of clothing for the rich is only happening with a contrasting backdrop of
conservative dress for the lower and even middle classes.
Wyatt Elmokadem, Cairo
Unfortunately, this is one area
where our society is extremely hypocritical and in self-denial. The natural
desire to have sex is guiltily denied by the person and considered taboo by
society, even though it is only human instinct. Everyone thinks about it, but
no one will admit it. The second issue is that men will take advantage of
their dominant role in society, as well as the lack of proof of their
virginity, to have pre-marital sex while condemning women for the same thing.
Most of my friends have had sex numerous times with numerous women (and
continue to chase others), but will think of women who are far less
promiscuous as non-marriage material. Talk about a double standard! These two
problems (self-denial and male hypocrisy) must be transformed into openness
and equality through dialogue.
Sherif, Cairo, Egypt
Well being an Egyptian living
in Canada, my parents tend to understand the relationship between me and
Egyptian girlfriend, who I met at university. We have talked about sex, but I
have to respect her decision not have sex because of her strong beliefs and
this makes me a better person.
Raheem Khalil, Toronto, Canada
In Iraq premarital sex is
extremely forbidden and is rare. In tribal environments having premarital sex
means losing you and the girl's life.
Hussain, Baghdad, Iraq
It is true there exits
premarital sex in almost all societies, including here in Egypt. But I think
the issue here is exaggerated. I just graduated from university and from the
people I know only five percent may have experienced premarital sex. Educated
people don't do it - not because of the culture but because of religion,
Islam, and this is the way it should be. It is so immature, people doing such
things then regretting it afterwards.
Ameer, Cairo, Egypt
Reading this article and
people's comments really resonates with the time I've spent studying in
Egypt. Many of my male friends there were indeed from the middle class and
the sexual frustration among them was palpable. Interestingly, it was this
very same group which was constantly hanging around the mosque. One can
easily understand how men in their early twenties, who are caught between a cultural
and religious tradition which frowns on "improper" relations on one
hand and their latent sexual urges on the other, might be very attracted to
religious and social institutions - such as women wearing headscarves -
designed to minimise the stirring up of sexual desires. Egyptians are
generally religious, but I think these young men's sexual frustration makes
them far more prone to accepting forms of Islam which more resemble ideology
than they do religion.
Judd, Washington, DC, USA
Aren't there infinitely more
important things for our societies to be concerned about than whether or not
a girl is a virgin? Why is female sexuality viewed as something which must be
controlled? How many girls and women have been irreparably damaged from
dirty, back-street abortions because of the stigma and illegality of
treatment? It is important that these issues be discussed. The silence makes
hypocrites of everyone.
Farah, Beirut, Lebanon
I'm a Copt, a Christian
Egyptian, living in Australia. My family and I left Egypt 16 years ago. Every
time we go back to visit I am surprised by how things are changing. However I
still find it difficult to imagine that pre-marital sex is becoming more and
more acceptable. Even here in Australia, Coptic families instil in their children
the importance of remaining chaste before marriage. To us, its a matter of
spirituality... no question about it.
Neveen, Melbourne, Australia
I am Hindu and in my culture,
too, sex before marriage is forbidden. I am almost 25 and have been seeing my
boyfriend for four years now but we have never broken the rules. I strongly
believe that we should try to preserve our culture and customs instead of
wildly following the Western ways. We have to understand that being Western
in not always cool.
Bhumika, USA
I am a physician from a Muslim
country where talking about sex is taboo, unfortunately most of my friends,
even specialists and nurses, have pre-marital sex. Hymenoplasty is another
issues that is growing more and more, we had a hard time finding a girl for
my brother to marry as most of the girls we had found, were not virgins. They
think because they are Muslim, they are pure.
Parvaneh, Tehran, Iran
I hate the double standards set
by a lot of Islamic societies that turn a blind eye towards Muslim men for
being promiscuous either after marriage or before so I think it is really
good that sex is being openly discussed in Muslim societies. Hopefully it
will lead people to realise that women like men have sexual needs that need
to be met. Therefore, it is important for society to realise that women are
not "loose" or "indecent" if they sleep with a man they
love before marriage, as long as the female is comfortable and loves her man
and know her man well enough to have premarital sex.
Azam, Canada
Premarital sex is totally
forbidden in Islam whether it is done by a male or female. The punishment for
such an immoral act is the same for both the sexes. So let's not argue that
this does not have an impact on boys as much as girls. In the hereafter, both
will face the same.
Iqbal, Blackburn, England
I do not know in general how do
men and women get to know each other. Most went to school together since we
have mixed private schools and meet there. Friendships and relationships
evolve when studying abroad, in Sharjah, Beirut and the US. But these days
women face an enormous pressure to be intimate with a boyfriend. I am 22
years old and remain a virgin, yet where although I once had strong beliefs
to remain so until marriage. recent experience has taught me that men have
become more open about marrying non-virgins. Still, it's a huge risk I'm not
ready to make.
Rouby al-Odairi, Kuwait, Kuwait
I lived in Heliopolis, Egypt
till I was 30. I came from a fairly wealthy family of landowners. I attended
an all-boy private school and one of the best colleges in Egypt. I was gay
then (and still am). There was no shortage of opportunities to meet men,
particularly along the beaches in Alexandria and Sinai. I first had sex when
I was 15. Cairo was also full of men who were eager and willing, particularly
among the military recruits. It was all under cover and keeping up
appearances was the main thing but under the surface things were completely
different.
Andy, California - USA
As in any society, there are
people that will indulge in that which is forbidden. From an Islamic
perspective I'm sure we are all well aware there is no excuse for pre-marital
sex. Those of us who abide by the rules should take heart that we are still
the majority and should not be led astray by the minority.
Tahir Mughal, London
In Iran, premarital sex has
increased since the revolution and after the war. Nowadays it is very hard to
find a girl or a boy over 18 that has had no sexual experiences, particularly
in bigger cities. In Iran, young people get to know each other in shopping
malls, private parties, streets while driving... and soon after they will
have sex without being ashamed of it. It was very rare that young people
could have premarital sex because of moral beliefs before the 1979 Islamic
revolution but, today, despite drastic restrictions forced by the Islamic
government, the number of people having premarital sex has risen.
Amir, Iran
I am a liberal Muslim who is
against all the rules that are not fair towards women. I grew up in a society
where it's forbidden for females to have pre-marital sex with men, however,
for the men it wasn't an issue at all. A woman has to be a virgin when she
marries the guy; on the other hand, men would sleep with girls and try to
marry virgins. In most cases a woman had to get pregnant so the guy would
marry her and stay with her. Unfortunately for my best friend, men learned
that women were supposed to bleed on her first intercourse; however, in my
friend's case on her wedding night she didn't bleed. Doctors told her it was
because she is an athlete or because of her genes. She had to divorce her
husband because he kept calling her prostitute.
EM, Kazakhstan
In Islam, sex before marriage
is a big no. So a no remains a no. Don't they think of the risks of getting
STDs by having more than one partner? I think that sex education, however
taboo, is needed so as to stop the youths from having premarital sex.
Firdaus, Singapore
The epidemic of premarital sex
has societal repercussions and implications that will not only scar the
current generation, but generations to follow. It has been proven from a
sociological perspective that premarital sex leads to problems with intimacy,
commitment, infidelity, and other relationship issues. As for
"true" Christians, Jews, Muslims, and others who same similar views
about premarital sex, this also means condemnation. As a result of lack of
education and understanding for youth in eastern countries, premarital sex is
increasing and will continue to increase. Secularisation can only add to this
disease. Only through prayer and education can this ailment be treated.
Sameer, NC, USA
I met my husband now at
university in the UK, we went out without having a sexual relationship as I
would never feel right about it until we would be married, also in the back
of my mind I knew if my parents found out they would probably disown me and I
would feel as if I really let them down. I have a lot of respect for my
family and their traditions and the way they have brought me up in a Western
society but with Islamic traditions. In many ways I am glad that we didn't
have sex until after we were married, I am now 30 (4 years after knowing each
other) and it has made our relationship trusting. The majority of Arab men
will have several relationships before they get married, but when it comes to
marriage they all want a virgin. That even applies to my husband!
Stef Zaghloul, Manchester Uk
In Kathmandu, we can see boys
and girls getting along with each other pretty quick in an open way. Dating
is not so uncommon in the urban areas, especially among the middle class
educated boys and girls. However, our society isn't still open that the
parents can tolerate their child having secret affairs. Sex is by far still a
taboo. The boys do pressure their partner for sex and as a result I have seen
many of them breaking apart after such relationships.
Suraj Pandey, Kathmandu, Nepal
I'm an Egyptian-American 18
year old who visits Egypt regularly. I believe that premarital sex is
definitely overblown in the media. I think it happens much less than is
portrayed but, unfortunately, the reason for many people is just society or
social taboo instead of religion. Here in Egypt the majority of people will
say they are against premarital sex because of religion but unfortunately
some young people will say because of society. The views of those people
should change because premarital sex is a major sin in our religion and they
should be more worried about God than society.
Sherif, Middletown, NJ, US
Although I live in Britain, as
a Muslim I am able to relate to the views and opinions given by those living
in Muslim countries. It is common knowledge that even in Britain young people
from Muslim backgrounds enter into relationships (including sexual) at
schools/ colleges/ universities etc. and in the majority of cases parents do
not know what their son/ daughter is getting up to. Though we live in
separate parts of the world we bring our cultures and values with us. I would
say that it is a lot easier for young people in Britain to get away with
pre-marital relationships (and sex) because it is very likely that the person
you will marry will have been through similar experiences and won't mind your
past. I might add that I completely disagree with pre-marital relationships.
Maha Shaikh, London
It is true that sex before
marriage is a taboo in Egypt, but I don't think it is something we should be
blamed for. Egypt is officially an Islamic country and Islam prevents this.
In general, the Egyptian people are known to be religious and that stops them
from accepting premarital sex. I see no mistake here.
Mohamed A Gaafar, Cairo, Egypt
When I was at university, I had
a secret relationship on campus and when it was time to go home our
relationship would stop at the door of the campus. If I saw my boyfriend
while shopping with my mother I would pretend we did not know each other. We
did go out near the beach and forest but all the time in his car with tinted
windows. We did not have sexual relations during our relationship of two
years because I knew he would no longer respect me and probably dump me if I
agreed to it. I had another relationship for one year while in London doing a
course and I still kept my virginity and my boyfriend respected my wish and
we got married .
Farida ,Oran, Algeria
I think whether or not to keep
your virginity should be a personal issue. In this part of the world,
virginity was something religious, now it is more of a cultural thing than a
religious issue. It's is so important for a girl to keep her virginity but
this is not true for men - in fact the more experienced a man is the better
he is. Although my country is a bit more open than other Arab countries we
still hear about stories like honour killing because they said the bride
wasn't a virgin on her wedding night even though she really was.
Lina, Beirut, Lebanon
In our country, boys and girls
get to know each other at school or at common points of gathering and the
relationship doesn't go much further than kissing or holding hands. Only the
very rich or very poor can afford private rooms or face the stain on their
reputations in a society that values virginity as a strong indicator of a
lifetime commitment to a partner.
Sanlaj Farfem, Karachi, Pakistan
It's easy here for me. I have
my own secret apartment. I go to a mall and very quickly find a girl that is
ready for fun (so to say). Because they are covered, all the flirting is
concentrated on the eyes - and that makes it very intense. So I will walk
passed her two or three times, then if she is getting into the game, I will
slip her my mobile number, if she catches it, most likely she will SMS me,
then we arrange to meet at my apartment, it's secret, very risky but a lot of
fun. You must know what you are doing.
Nasser Mohammed, Doha, Qatar
Even though we live in an
Islamic country, having pre-marital sex is quite common between young people
my age (19 years old). I am a university student and all my friends have sex
with their girl friends. Our intimacy is in secret and hidden from every
body. Hymen reconstruction surgery is quite common between young girls prior
to marriage here as well.
Mehdi, Tehran, Iran
In Cairo, young people from
poor areas may have more freedom to have pre-marriage sex than those
constrained by traditions and strict value systems adopted by middle class
families who want to see their daughters married ( usually to a young man
from the same strata) sooner than later. The elite have different lifestyles;
they can be more tolerant to pre-marital sex , however, not in all cases. I
am a middle class myself and I used to know a girl from the same college. For
her, holding hands was a taboo. We did not have full relations, of course
although it was something I really wished for. Religion makes things more
complicated and society is still not tolerant towards dating, let alone sex.
Gamal, Cairo, Egypt
My family are well aware of my
relationship with my girlfriend and have been so since university; her
parents turn a blind eye and 'trust' her not to do anything 'wrong'. However,
if they knew we were in a sexual relationship, I fear what would happen to
her. Things are changing for those born after post-1980 and the youth are
changing slowly but the older generations will never accept.
FJ, Amman, Jordan
The issue of women's virginity
in the Middle East is diverse and hypocritical. Whereas most people insist
its a religious matter you find that most families know that their sons are
indulged in sexual relationships and do not mind it (the father might suggest
to his son to use a condom to prevent pregnancy!). However, daughters are not
even allowed to have boyfriends and we all know what honour killing is all
about.
Sus, Amman, Jordan
In Morocco, sexual relations
before marriage are normal. Unlike other Arab countries, Morocco is very open
about sex and relationships before, during and after marriage. Myself I have
an open relationship with my boyfriend, who happens to be an American, and
there is no problem about that.
Asmaa, Casablanca, Morocco
It is totally forbidden in
Islam. If you are a Muslim then you have to follow the rules and regulations
- if not you know the result. You can have a good life with your partner
after marriage then, why spoil it with deeds before? It is better to be away
from it.
Rufi, India
It is a good sign that these
things are being addressed rather than ignored. While I personally do not
promote pre-marital sex, it is obvious that young people will face these
obstacles in every society so a good "sex-education" program is
needed.
Yezzra, USA
Egyptian men have different
ways to evaluate things. When an Egyptian man finds a girl that he wants to
have sex with, he starts to tell her that he has an open mind, that he does
not care about tradition at all. If she agrees after he has sex with her and
this girl loses her virginity, he says the girl is easy one and a bad woman.
If that girl refused, the man would keep pushing her towards intimacy - when
he becomes sure she will refuse to sleep with him that means she is a good
girl. Then he will say "OK, I will think about marrying you, I am a man
who respects our traditions."
Mirage, Cairo, Egypt
I have a boyfriend and we've
been together for three years. We want to get married but my boyfriend is
still in college and he has to have a job in order for my father to accept.
We haven't had actual sex but we have a very intimate relationship. I'd never
have sex because I'd feel too guilty and so would he. My traditions stop me.
Since we both study abroad, we practically live together although each one of
us has their own apartment. I'm worried that we'll never get married because
he's from an Arab country that is poorer than mine and women can't pass their
citizenship to their husband or children. But I think my parents won't mind
since my mother has made it clear that she isn't against inter-Arab
marriages. I think my mother's extended family would be disappointed with my
choice, though.
Sara, Kuwait
In the Christian Egyptian
community - which I come from - usually young men and women who are committed
to their Christian belief do not have premarital sex, not only because it is
against our culture but also because it is against our belief. Unfortunately,
we are a minority and the openness about sex in our community is growing
rapidly!
Ashraf, Cairo, Egypt
In Afghanistan premarital sex
is very rare. In Kabul, where residents are more liberal and more educated,
premarital sex is rare, but it does happen. The reason for this is only our
religion, Islam, which prohibits us from having any sexual relations, and our
tradition also forbids any girl to have a boyfriend or a boy to have a
girlfriend. Only in major cities are there some young boys and girls who make
friendships which end with marriage.
Mohammad Nabi, Kabul, Afghanistan
In UAE, traditionally the local
society is against dating, however men and women still manage to sneak out to
meet. Their first contact would be through random phone calls, one would call
a random number and start conversations with complete strangers, if they like
each other they take it forward and meet secretly. Many men give their mobile
numbers in shopping malls (they shout it loud or hand it in a paper to the
girls they like). Of course, men and women could also meet in other
situations such as at work. Dating is not done openly as parents are not
supposed to find out. Obviously sex is not allowed before marriage, but the
number of pre-marital sexual relationships is increasing. Sex is also easily
available here with the existence of prostitution. Men want sexual relationships
but end up making sure they only marry a virgin.
Fatema Abdulla, Dubai, United Arab Emirates
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Reviewed by Unknown
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Monday, January 12, 2015
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